Re-branding the Cucumber

Is your garden overrun by cucumbers? Is the farmers market giving away free cucumbers with every purchase? Are your neighbors foisting their excess cucumbers on you? Sick of pickles?

Then I’ve got a solution for you: spa cucumbers.

Cucumbers have limited use. I assure you there are more cucumbers out there right now than there are pickles waiting to be made. In another week or so you won’t even be able to give those things away, the market will be so saturated with cucumbers.

The cucumber needs a rebrand. Like kale and cauliflower, us farmers’ marketers need to find new uses for cucumbers so we can get people to buy more of those suckers. If you’ve got one cucumber, you’ve got a hundred. We need other uses for the cucumber aside from salads and pickles. Instead of tossing them into the compost, put them on your eyeballs. Spa cucumbers.

I hear you laughing. But it feels sooooo damn good.

Next time you get that afternoon nappy feeling, but you really shouldn’t be taking a nap, slice up a cold cucumber and put it over your eyeballs for fifteen minutes. On a hot day, it’s so cooling. Got itchy and burning allergy eyes? A slice of cool cucumber is wonderfully soothing. I’m telling you, there’s nothing more luxuriously simple and relaxing than cold cucumbers on your eyeballs. Easy self care. Plus, it gets bonus points as a beauty treatment.

Cucumbers have anti-oxidant and anti-inflammatory properties which can treat those bags under your eyes. I’m not bullshitting you, studies have actually proven that cucumbers help extract toxins and waste material, cleansing the area. The minerals in cucumbers offer benefits for connective tissue, lightening the skin around the eyes. Good luck finding a cheaper beauty remedy.

This year, for the first time ever, I decided to grow cucumbers. The Boss scoffed at this idea, he thinks cucumbers are useless. And seriously, why would I grow cucumbers when there is a glut at the market. Yet, he relented because marital bliss, and spa cucumbers make me happy.

I’ll also make a few fridge pickles because it’s too tricky to can pickles, they get mushy and I don’t need that many pickles. So yeah, I’m growing cucumbers to put on my eyeballs. I’m going to save us the big bucks not having to buy cuckes at the market ;).

Now you know what to do with all those extra cucumbers. Trust me on this one. Thank me later.