Here is our unsolicited number one tip for successful gardening: Don’t grow stupid shit.

What do I mean by stupid shit? Exotic shit, shit that doesn’t grow well in your climate, experimental shit, shit that doesn’t produce well, shit that takes extra work or extra space, shit you won’t eat, and/or shit that overproduces and you can’t preserve.

The fact is, gardening can be time consuming, space consuming and resource consuming. Stupid shit wastes your time and space and money. I’m here to help save you some frustration and help you learn from our experience.

What should I grow that isn’t stupid, you ask?

Stick to the basics. Grow what the old timers in your area are growing. They don’t have time for stupid shit. They grow what works for them over and over again — things they eat regularly and can store and preserve. In our part of the world (the Northwoods) it’s things like peas, green beans, beets, potatoes, lettuce and spinach (before it warms up), squash, broccoli, cucumbers, carrots, onions, garlic (hard neck! not soft neck), tomatoes, cabbage.

This is where things get tricky. There is stupid shit lurking amongst the reliable shit. For instance: heirloom broccoli. No. Just no. We tried it a few times and got spindly leaves, no heads. There are exotic breeds of carrots in every color, but not all varieties do well in our specific climate. And as much as you may want to grow all the fun types of garlic and make garlic braids, you have to stick to hard-neck garlic in the colder zones. Get your garlic seed locally.

Yes, we are guilty of growing stupid shit. We’ve tried to grow sweet potatoes several times despite the fact we knew they don’t grow well in our zone.

And I’m sure the Boss thinks my dried beans are stupid shit. Beans are time and space consuming and inexpensive to purchase. The Boss helps a local farmer cultivate his bean fields and he gets paid in red beans and venison. But, for some reason, I get satisfaction from growing dried beans, so we continue to allocate the space. He has also made it known that cherry tomatoes are stupid. Mostly because they remind him of squishy eyeballs.

We make exceptions for the things we love. And the people we love, so the cherry tomatoes get planted in the compost.

That brings us to zucchini. It grows well in most climates, takes up minimal space and produces quite a bit of fruit — but let your neighbor grow that stupid shit. Anyone who has ever grown zucchini or summer squash knows that if you have one zucchini, you’ve got a million zucchini. And what does one do with a million zucchini? It’s not typically something people can/freeze/preserve. No one can eat that much zucchini bread. Your neighbors will be happy to unload their excess zucchini. You may even find random zucchini dropped at your doorstep.

OK, that brings me to my last point. When purchasing seed, purchase local when you can — then you know they are breeding seed that will do well in your area. If you can’t go local, find a regional seed company that produces seed from your similar climate. If you want success grow proven crops. And don’t grow stupid shit.